There's no place like home

Just click your heels three times!! There is just something about going home that recharges your battery. I forgot what a sunset from the dock at my house looks like, I had forgotten the peacefulness of being on my brothers boat out on the water. I missed spending serious quality time with two of my neices. I feel blessed and recharged. Something about knowing and having your family back you, truly makes you feel like you can take on the world. The truth is with the family I have, I can take on the world, because whether I succeed or fail I will never lose their love and support. It becomes easier to mend a broken heart, to clear your mind, and to realize what is truly important. In fact being around a supportive family seems to clear the roadblocks and make it much easier and finally possible to get to the next level.

Rough Seas

What do you do when you know you need to change a feeling, change the way your heart feels? Is that even possible? I know what my heart wants and aches for, but it is unattainable. Shouldn't that be the point that my brain kicks in and helps my heart let go? Am I defective, is the switch between my heart and brain broken? I am full of faith and know God reveals to me everything I need to know, but what if my heart is so powerful it won't let my brain or soul listen to God? I have never in my life known exactly what I want and need but been so unable to attain it. I believe life is good and while it would be easy to just assume I am meant to live a miserable life due to the pain I feel on a daily basis, but deep down I know it's not true. I know I deserve good things. I deserve to have my heart feel satisfied and whole. I need to find peace, a place where my heart and soul feel at rest. That is what I miss more than anything. I haven't felt it in months. I used to be able to lay my head down at night and feel absolute peace in my body, mind and soul. I don't feel that anymore. I feel like I never rest, even when I sleep. I wake and I still feel as though my heart is heavy.

Salute

Salute
Whitney Houston

You say you wanna walk away
You ain't got nothing to say
I salute you
Yeah, Go on out the door
Now you take care
No more tears to shed
What you expected me to beg
Well I'm Not
I'm Done
So when you leave
Just close the door behind you

Beause I'm feeling kinda taller than you
Lately
I'm feeling kinda stronger than you
Lately
I'm feeling kinda better than you
And I know just what to do
I feel like doing my hair
Feel like calling some of my friends
I feel like going to a club
Because I'm a soldier girl
In this world
I stand alone
I can be strong
I walked the miles
I made it home
It's good to know without you I made it
Soldier girl
In my world
I took the fall
Now I stand tall
For the pain and all I made it through
and now all I gotta say to you
Salute
Salute

You think you know everythng
See you think that your shit don't stink
Well it do
Yeah and when it comes to me
You don't have a clue
It took me all of these years
To realize you don't belong here
I can do better
You say I'll never do better
Yeah Right Whatever

All for a reason

Sometimes you are forced to face things you don't want to; whether it's the fact that a relationship you had was all a lie or someone you thought actually had moral character is actually just like every other lowlife you have ever known. Sometimes the reason you are forced to face these things is in order to make room for better things in your life. People lie; sometimes you are forced to see these lies in order to move on to something or someone better.

Lessons Learned by Carrie Underwood

And there's some things that I regret
Some words I wish had gone unsaid
Some starts that had some better endings

Been some bad times I've been through
Damage I could not undo
Some things I wish I could do all all over again

But it don't really matter
When life gets that much harder
It makes you that much stronger

Some pages turned
Some bridges burned
But there were lessons learned

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes
With every day I wondered how I'd get through the night
Every change life has thrown me
I'm thankful for every break in my heart
I'm grateful for every star

Some pages turned
Some bridges burned
But there were lessons learned

There's mistakes that I have made
Some chances I just threw away
Some roads I never should have taken
Been some signs I didn't see
Hearts that I hurt needlessly
Some wounds that I wish I could have one more chance to mend
But it don't make no difference
The past can't be rewritten
But you get the life you're given

Some pages turned
Some bridges burned
But there were lessons learned

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes
And every day I wondered how I'd get through the night
From every change life has thrown me
I'm thankful for every break in my heart
I'm grateful for every star

Some pages turned
Some bridges burned
But there were lessons learned

And all the things that break you
Are all the things that make you strong
You can't change the past
Cause it's gone
And you just gotta move on
Because it's all lessons learned

From every tear that had to fall from my eyes
From every day I wondered how I'd get through the night
From every change life has thrown me
I'm thankful for every break in my heart
I'm grateful for every start

Some pages turned
Some bridges burned
But there were lessons learned




I have had this song in my head for the past two days...The words to this song say so much more than I ever could....Life is funny and so many times things happen that leave you wondering why or wishing for a different outcome. You just have to take them as lessons learned and move on. No matter how hard you try and hold on to the past, the fact is it's gone!

Cookie Jar by Jack Johnson

Side note think it's pretty funny my post about 27 posted at 11:07; Add the two ones and you got 27...lol. I know I have been posting a lot of lyrics, but I love music and sometimes my thoughts and feelings are expressed far better through others words.


I would turn on the TV but it's so embarrassing
To see all the other people I don't know what they mean
And it was magic at first when they spoke without sound
But now this world is gonna hurt you better turn that thing down
Turn it around

"It wasn't me", says the boy with the gun
"Sure I pulled the trigger but it needed to be done
Cause life's been killing me ever since it begun
You can't blame me cause I'm too young"

"You can't blame me sure the killer was my son
But I didn't teach him to pull the trigger of the gun
It's the killing on this TV screen
You can't blame me its those images he's seen"

Well "You can't blame me" , says the media man
Well "I wasn't the one who came up with the plan
I just point my camera at what the people want to see
Man it's a two way mirror and you can't blame me"

"You can't blame me", says the singer of the song
Or the maker of the movie which he based his life on
"It's only entertainment and as anyone can see
The smoke machines and makeup and you can't fool me"

It was you it was me it was every man
We've all got the blood on our hands
We only receive what we demand
And if we want hell than hell's what we'll have

And I would turn on the TV
But It's so embarrassing
To see all the other people
I don't even know what they mean
And it was magic at first
But it let everyone down
And now this world is gonna hurt
You better turn it around
Turn it around

Uggh 27!

27 has become such a funny number ever since two friends brought it to my attention, but I will tell you there is one 27 I am not looking forward to and that is 27 years which I am about to experience a week from today! It's not that I am not happy that I have gotten to experience 27 beautiful years in this world, it's more that I am definitely on the fast track to 30 and don't feel as though I have achieved what I want to achieve. I understand that everyone is on their own path and life is funny in that you are never where you expected to be....I am happy with that. It's just there are certain things that I truly hoped would have happened by now, some of them I could have made happen, others just must not have been in the plans for me just yet. I have an amazing family, some truly special friends and have experienced things that I will look fondly back on for the rest of my life. This birthday just brings up the nagging fire that has been under my ass for the past three months. It is like an alarm clock went off and I realized how many things I truly wanted to have done by now and realized that a majority of them I could make happen, so I set the ball rolling and am now working towards those goals. I refuse to turn 28 and feel like there were so many things I should've, could've, would've done....I am going to do them and live life with minimal regrets!

Friendship

Friendship is a funny thing....but it's not something I take lightly. I have few friends and am happy with this because the friends I do have are worth their weight in gold. Each one of them brings something truly special to my life and has their own strength and purpose in being in my life. Friends are not perfect as they are merely human, they are bound to make mistakes and may sometimes cause you pain as will most people at some point in your life. As long as this pain is not intentional and it is truly a mistake, it is in the best interest of a friendship to let go of this pain and appreciate them for the person they are. I have been reminded the past few days of the very different types of friends I have in my life, but also been reminded exactly how special they are and how they each in their own way bring a smile to my face. From the perfect early birthday gift to time well spent laughing....I have to say I am a very lucky girl. I can truly say I love my life and those that are in it......

Good Day

I have a feeling today is gonna be a good day....More so, I am gonna make it a good day. Had some serious revelations last night that after a good nights rest just seem that much more obvious. Feel like things are going to be a lot easier from here on out. I feel much more at peace and that is something I am always struggling to find. I realized though peace is a lot like happiness the more you look for it the less chance you have to find it. You have to practice it on a daily basis. You are only as happy as you let yourself be, and will only feel as peaceful as you allow yourself to feel.

I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

And sometimes you realize love is love and there is no denying it....Nothing you do will erase the connection or purity of your feelings....


Well, you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but your so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, now I'm trying to get back
before the cool done run out I'll be givin it my best best
and nothing's gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait
I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you'll find love, love, love, love
listen to the music at the moment people dance and sing with me
we're just one big family
and it's our godforsaken right to be loved loved loved loved

So, I won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait I'm sure
there's no need to complicate our time is short
this is our fate
I'm yours

Scooch on over closer dear
And I will nibble your ear

I've been spendin way too long checkin my tongue in the mirror
and bendin over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
and so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I'd be sayin is there ain't no better reason
to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
it's what we aim to do
our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more
no more it cannot wait
I'm yours

Letting Go At All Costs

Sometimes it reaches a point where you have to let go...where the benefit of holding on is outweighed by the day-to-day damage of waiting for a change. When your heart is fully focused on someone, there will always be a void until that person is in your life again completely or until you fully realize and accept that they never will again and start to heal your heart one day at a time. Of course this world is difficult so this is never an easy choice. Even once the choice is made complications arise at every turn and make it even harder to mend your heart but the fact is no one can break your heart and if you chose to give someone your heart than you have the choice to reclaim it for yourself. I want my heart back....It's not to be nasty or because I don't think the person was worthy of having my heart it is a simple matter of what I want and what makes me happy and what I know I deserve. I want to build a life with someone, struggle with them, go from the bottom to the top with them. I want someone who wants to share that with me, not someone who feels that you have to rise to the top solo and then join with someone. I think the strongest relationships are those that are built when both people are at the beginning and they rise together through the love and support and faith of the other person. This doesn't take away from being a strong person; it is just a choice one makes if they want to share their successes and failure with someone else. I want someone who is willing to share their successes and failures with me. Someone who wants me to be a part of their rise to the top, just as they will be a part of mine. I don't want someone who will be the reason I rise or someone who needs me to rise, just someone who will allow me to share on their journey through life. I can offer a lot of love and support and need love and support. This is who I am and I am happy with that. I am not going to wait for the right person to join me, maybe there never will be a right person and I will end up going through this life alone. If that is the way it is meant to be, then that is the way it will be. I know God will never give me anything more than I can handle and he has given me the world...therefor there is nothing in this world I can't handle. Sometimes love and compatibility are just on two different sides of the scale and nothing can make them come together..... It hurts and will hurt for a long time probably, but from here on out; I am officially done waiting. I am sealing my heart from any more bleeding and going to start mending it. That way if someday the right person does come along...I won't have half a heart to give them...I will be able to offer my full heart and soul just like I did before.

Sitting Waiting Wishing by Jack Johnson

Well I was sitting waiting wishing
that you believed in superstitions
then maybe you'd see the signs
but Lord knows that this world is cruel
and I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
learning loving somebody don't make them love you

Must I always be waiting...waiting on you?
Must I always be playing...playing your fool?

I sang ya songs I danced a dance
I gave ya friends all a chance
putting up with them wasn't worth ever having you
and maybe you been through this before
but its my first time
so please ignore
the next few lines cause they're directed at you

I can't always be waiting...waiting on you
I can't always be playing...playing your fool
I keep playing your part
but it's not my scene
want this plot to twist
I've had enough mystery
Keep building me up, then shooting me down
well I'm already down
Just wait a minute
just sitting waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting

Well if I was in your position
I'd put down all my ammunition
I'd wondered why'd it taken me so long
but Lord knows that I'm not you
and if I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do

Must I always be waiting...waiting on you?
Must I always be playing...playing your fool?
No I can't always be waiting...waiting on you
I can't always be playing...playing your fool,

Inner Peace

When you can find calm in the middle of the storm, that is when you know true inner peace. I feel like I have always been a restless soul. This creates numerous problems in my life, because in many ways I perform much better in high stress situations than when things are going good. I guess this has to do a little with my pessimism as well. When things are going well, I am always waiting for the other shoe to fall, so instead of waiting I throw the shoe down! I create a storm to live in because it serves my immediate purpose while preventing me from every truly acquiring the things and situations I truly desire. I have a very hard time relaxing...I have been told by numerous people just relax and chill out but I feel so often like life is racing past me and that I can't afford to wait and relax. I am trying more these days to just relax and appreciate each day for what it is. I am also trying to find that inner peace so when the entire world around me is falling apart I will stand strong and be able to deal logically and calmly. I think more than anything in this world the one thing I crave is peace, I have relied on everyone else except for myself in the past to acheive this peace, I finally understand that by relying on others for my peace I am preventing myself from ever truly feeling peace permanently. It will always be reliant on the generosity and attitude of others. I deserve to feel peace even if no one else in this world is offering it to me. I deserve to take it and feel it as I walk through this world.

Time or Times Up

How long do you give someone? Is there a time limit to realize true feelings or are true feelings truly instant? How long until you get fed up with waiting? How much time do you allow to pass before you realize that it is time to move on? I have a heart that can't let go so I am apparently not the one to answer these questions. I get advice from others and they tell me that one day I will wake up and be over it all and that's when I will know that I moved on. What if that day never comes along? What if I can never let go? Through the fact that I don't truly want to move on won't I never move on? I wake up thinking about it, go to sleep thinking about it and exactly what point is it going to leave my mind? I dream about it, see it at work, think about it every song I hear on the radio, every movie that is released? Has it just become a habit and obsession and that is what I am not willing to let go of? Or is it true feelings that can't be erased because once your heart has been touched by someone, you can never go back?

Heart vs. Head

My heart always has control over my head. Ever since I was little I have been a very emotional person. This has led me to be extremely empathetic and one of those friends that would do anything for you. It has also led me to be a person that people walk all over. I understand we don't live in Utopia, but it is still hard sometimes to understand why people feel the need to hurt others in order to make themselves feel better. I am not perfect and will admit I have hurt other before in an attempt to make myself feel bigger, but in the end all it did was make me feel like a lesser person. This is not the case with everyone obviously.... I don't understand how people can act one way and then turn right around and do something that clearly contradicts their previous actions. Is it that people are so out of touch with their true intentions? Or is it that some people just truly don't care how their actions or words affect others and are only interested in their own satisfaction?

Unnecessary

I try and try to find a reason behind the unnecessary lies that people tell. I wonder if these lies are important to the person telling them, if they are necessary to maintain the reality they have created. Is it really that hard to say what you mean and mean what you say? Are people so scared to face reality, that they don't even consider the effect of their lies on others? I understand that there will always be points where it is in the interest of all involved to tell a little white lie, but when it becomes a habit rather than the exception hasn't it then become a problem? If you have to lie to someone, maybe you don't need to be really talking to that person. I don't understand the on and off switches that some people seem to have... One day you are the light of their life and the next you are non-existent. I can't understand both of those beliefs being possible, one of the days you are lying. Why do it? Is the acceptance of others so important to people that they change their beliefs and actions in order to please more people. Can someone be one person in private entirely different than the person they are in public? In the end, won't one of those people have to take control? No one can live in eternal duality....there will come a point where you will have to decide what life you are gonna lead. I guess I wouldn't struggle so much with all of this if I didn't believe that people are innately good and make choices and life changes them into less than good people........